When You Feel Unworthy: A Story on The Evolution of The Intuitive Network
This blog has been surprisingly helpful and oddly therapeutic for me. I tend to go through periods of learning lessons in my life that can last anywhere from a month to a couple of years. It almost always starts with me ignoring a behavior or habit that I've had for a while or have recently adopted. Then it gets to a point where it affects my life so much that I need to address it. And so I meditate, shamanic journey, read books, ask for advice, or do some trial and error with different solutions until I feel like I'm at a much better place with it. Sometimes these problems are as simple as getting to bed on time or getting rid of a grudge or so complicated that I have to come back to it multiple times. After, I usually write down what I discovered and reflect on how I got there in my personal journal. After creating this blog, I found myself also sharing those insights online as well. I figured maybe someone might come across it one day and find that something I did might help them! So, here's another one of those blog posts on a topic that's been stuck with me far too long.
If you've read my blog post about how I became psychic, you'll remember that I got into all things metaphysics after losing my family dog. My last semester of film school started in 2014, and I was enrolled in a documentary production class. Our only assignment was to create a short documentary and I, of course, wanted to explore the world of psychics. I set out to make a documentary about how psychics do what they do and how misunderstood of a practice it was. But here's what my biggest mistake was: I had no idea what being psychic meant. I was book smart, I knew everything there was to know about psychics from the internet. I wrote a script, found people to interview, set up crews and shoot dates. We filmed tirelessly for over 3 months, everyone working for free, driving far distances for shoots. I ended up creating a short promo for a longer documentary by the end of the semester. I had hours and hours worth of footage stored up and ready to edit for a full length documentary. But it just sat on my computer. For months and months and months...
The Break I Needed
I put it off! But I'd like to think for good reasons. I was studying at The Aspen Program and getting certified as a psychic myself. I knew this was something that I needed to do for myself spiritually and I knew it would help the project in the long term. The upside about taking this break was that I learned what it meant to be psychic. I learned what it meant to have family that didn't support you, to wonder if you were crazy and just making everything up, and to witness truly humbling experiences of a higher power working through my colleagues. But the downside was, obviously, still no documentary. After I graduated about a year later (early 2015), I came back to it. But I realized that the footage I had was not the story I wanted to tell. It was stereotypical, no better than a person who had done 10 minutes of online research. I asked the wrong questions, I made the wrong assumptions and worst of all, I was trying so hard to prove that psychics were real that I had forgotten why I wanted to do this in the first place! I came to the crushing realization that the footage I had wasn't usable. I would rather have scrapped the movie completely than make something that was false though. If I were to truly honor my colleagues and mentors, and do this work justice, I needed to start over. (Of course the people I filmed were not the problem, it was just how I decided to portray them.) I emailed all the people in the cast and let them know I was going to be changing the documentary into a TV series. Of course a lot of them were disappointed, some OK with it, and some angry. This is the key part of the story to remember here.
I felt like I had let them down, I felt horrible that all the time we spent together was wasted. I promised to use as much of the footage that I could. I corresponded with a lot of them over the next year but most lost faith with me (rightfully so). It took me a while to see what was wrong with the documentary and how I needed to fix it because of the guilt I felt. I realized that what I really wanted to do was teach people how to use this gift. I wanted to talk to the people that already believed in it and not waste my time trying to convince the non-believers that it existed. I wanted to make it accessible to those who had no local classes like I was lucky enough to have. By mid 2016, inspiration hit and the once documentary turned TV series became an instructional web series.
The Intuitive Network
You've probably seen me promote the Intuitive Network a lot, but many don't know its evolution. The Intuitive Network is an online source for video courses on strengthening your psychic ability. The idea is simple: create an online platform where many teachers can share their craft and students from all over the world can come to learn. I spent the rest of 2016 deciding exactly what I wanted it to look like, building the site, and writing scripts. Because I know what its like to be psychic, I came at it from a much different perspective than most filmmakers. I was a little derailed by my salary job at the time, but I ended up quitting and reflecting on that experience also. And ever since this January, I've jumped back in full throttle and have been filming and editing these courses for people who want to learn. I'm pretty sure that this is what I was meant to do with both my intuitive and film work. Things have never been so clear and I feel so divinely guided to do this. Sounds like a perfect ending to the story right? Almost.
I finally edited and released the first video course last week and like any other time I've put myself out there with something new, I stressed and doubted myself. I literally worked myself sick and was ready to quit the whole thing! Thankfully, I've recognized this pattern of stress that I go through and realized that I was ignoring something. So I sat down to meditate, and worked with Goddess Sige, and realized why I was feeling so insecure about the Intuitive Network: I hadn't fully let go of my old documentary. I still felt guilty about all the hours lost and all the disappointed and angry interviewees. Because I felt that I owed it to them, I wasn't fully stepping into my power. My story was that I didn't deserve to have what I wanted because I did them wrong. I wasn't allowing myself to be proud of my project or hopeful that it could work. I was even hiding behind the company name because an interviewee once told me it was arrogant to promote my name alongside the project. I felt like I was stealing others' knowledge and kept asking who am I to create this? But after telling (and whining) about this to my fiance last week, he very bluntly said,
"You need to let it go already!"
And he was right! It has been 3 years since I started this project! I've never taken that long to finish anything. I was letting old stories block me from feeling the right to be successful. I'm not sure why it took me forever to see it but as soon as I did, releasing it was pretty much instantaneous. I went over the old footage this weekend and got rid of anything that didn't fit my new vision, quite literally releasing my attachment to it. I released old obligations to crew members and interviewees and allowed myself to stop thinking about the past. I realized that I was allowed to claim this project as mine because, damn it, it is mine!
The moment we stop painting ourselves as not worthy is when we open ourselves up to success. I was sending out that energy into the universe and I was getting it back. I slowed myself down, wasn't confident, and doubted what I had. Sound familiar? When you feel entitled to have success, you tell the universe you are open to receiving success. Your thoughts and your intentions are mirrored by the universe. Remove your blocks and feel worthy to receive and abundance will come your way. Of course I'm still sorry that a lot of time and footage was wasted, but looking back with new eyes, I realize that it really wasn't a waste. Without those people and learning experiences, the Intuitive Network wouldn't be where it is today. I wish it hadn't taken me this long but I'm glad to be here all the same. And so here is my public declaration that I fully release the old to allow in the new!
Doesn't that always feel so wonderful?